Your Teen with Autism: When things go wrong with Pubic Transit

We know our teens need to become more independent.  But it’s so hard to not think about everything that can go wrong.  And it may hold us back from pushing our kids down the road of independence.  But we must push ourselves.

I shared how we prepared our son for riding public transit in a recent post.  But what if something goes wrong?

As part of our preparation programs, we know that our son struggled with the ability to describe where he is.  We had a program where our son and his ABA therapist would go to a public place like a mall or shopping center.  With phone in hand, he would need to go somewhere in the shopping center and then call his ABA therapist and then work to describe where he was so the therapist could find him based on the description.  This took a LOT of work and when things seemed like they were finally going well, we’d intentionally change locations and it would often feel like we were starting over.

Back to the bus.  One morning, shortly after a holiday break, I was almost at work when I got the dreaded text:

I am so sorry I accidentally went on a wrong bus I should have payed attention to what the number says.

I had been driving to work so I didn’t see the text until I arrived, 10 MINUTES after it had been sent.

I responded,

Are you lost?

He responded,


I checked my phone to see if the family tracker was working.  He is constantly turning OFF the tracking.  Sure enough, no sign of him.  I would be totally dependent on my son being able to describe where he was in downtown Seattle, and likely in a location where he had never been before.

I called.  He answered.  He was frustrated.  He was scared.  I knew I had to be calm because when my son senses that I’m frazzled, he becomes more frazzled.

I said,

It’s OK.  You took the wrong bus.  It’s OK.  People make that mistake all the time.  I will come and pick you up and take you to school.  Can you tell me what street you are standing on?

This was it.  Could he answer this question?  Did the preparation we did actually prepare him for a moment like this?

Terry Avenue.

He answered my question!  At a minimum, I can drive all the way up and down Terry Avenue until I find him.  But I’m going to see if we can do even better.  I said,

Walk to the nearest corner.  Can you tell the me the name of the other street on the corner?

He responded,

Olive Way.

I was elated!!!

OK.  I know where to find you.  I am driving towards you now.  I think it may take me about 10 minutes to get there so just stay where you are and I will find you.

Now, as I was driving, I kept him on the phone and just reinforced all the good things he had done.  I recognized he was on the wrong bus.  He got off the bus.  He contacted me for help.  And he was keeping it together.

As I approached Terry Avenue and Olive Way, I saw him.  I’ve never been so happy to see him.  He hopped in the car.  And I once again reinforced with him how me made a mistake and he figured out how to fix it.  I was so proud of him and I said that being able to solve problems is what will allow him to live on his own someday.  (This is something he really wants.)

After I dropped him off at school, I felt a sense of relief.  And it wasn’t just relief that this incident was over.  It was relief knowing he could handle something going wrong on the bus.  EVERY TIME I dropped him off at the bus stop, I had this low level worry that I was just carrying around, EVERY DAY.

This worry comes from the verbal challenges.  My son cannot talk to me in a way that allows me to really know that he understands something.  He has proven to me so many times that he is comprehending things like this.  But because I cannot have a conversation to confirm his understanding, I have to blindly trust.  Its’ a huge leap of faith but time and time again, he is showing me with his actions that he understands.

We prepared for what could go wrong.  And when things went wrong, he was ready.  It can be done.  It may take a LONG time but it is time well spent.


Avoiding Vacation Induced Stress

We’ve all heard the phrase, “I need a vacation from my vacation.”  In an effort to take time off, relax and recharge, we end up creating more stress than the stress we were trying to get a break from!

How do you avoid that?  Here are my tips for taking time off in a way that doesn’t create even MORE stress in your life.

Tip #1 Defensive Calendaring

As soon as you plan your trip, block that time in your work calendar and start letting others know.  With this advance notice, important meetings and reviews can potentially be scheduled before you leave or after you return.  And when things aren’t happening without you present, there is less to catch up on when you’re back in the office.

Obviously, there will be things that just can’t move.  I always tell the people who report to me, “there’s never an ideal time to take time off, so just take it!” Set expectations with others that you will need to miss that important meeting.  And just make a plan for how you get the debrief on what went on while you were away.

Tip #2 Morning Departures 

As part of your planning, give yourself time to pack for your trip.  We’ve all attempted to hop on a plane immediately after finishing work on a Friday afternoon.  For a busy mom juggling kids and work responsibilities, I don’t think it’s worth it.

My suggestion is to leave first thing in the morning.  By doing this, you give yourself an evening to pack, do laundry and deal with the general chaos that is involved in getting yourself and your entire family ready for a trip.  An added bonus is on the morning of your departure, your only focus is getting on your way for your trip.  You are not trying to get yourself to work, your kids to school AND everyone ready to leave for a trip later that same day.

Tip #3 The One Week Countdown

The week before I leave for a trip, I’m looking ahead to the next week and getting ahead on things that may be due that week such as status reports, reviews or preparation and coaching that the people that report to me might need while I’m gone.  I also start cancelling meetings for the period of time when I’m gone.  By waiting until the week prior, it’s a gentle reminder for everyone that meets with you.  I also find delegates to cover things while I’m away.  If you are a manager, this is a great opportunity to give other people on your team opportunities to step up.

Last, I send an email to everyone that will be impacted by my absence reminding them that I’ll be gone and suggesting that if they need anything from me next week, they need to see me THIS week.  I also put reminders on Skype and Slack and direct others to the delegates for each of the areas I’m responsible for so others know who to go to for questions in my absence.


Sound like overkill?  Perhaps, but I get lots of positive comments from people thanking me for reminding them.  I also notice that my time off is VERY quiet while I’m away.  My email volumes are lower and Skype and Slack are mostly keeping me in the loop as opposed to a pile of direct messages.  Since people know and remember you are away, they either got what they needed before you left or they are waiting for you to return.

Tip #4 Early Return

The same people who leave for the airport immediately after their last day of work often return either very late the night prior or in the morning before they need to head into work.  In my humble opinion, this makes for a very difficult first week back at work after taking time off, especially if you’ve traveled across time zones.

I suggest arriving back at least a day ahead of your first day back to work.  By giving yourself time to get laundry done, do your grocery shopping and meal preparations done, you are genuinely ready to start back to work and not have a ton of extra work piled on top because you didn’t get your typical weekend preparations or chores done.

An early return also helps kids settle down so they are rested and ready to go back to school where they can also be more productive and engaged.

Are you cutting your vacation short? Not if you insert something special into this day of chores such as a nice meal out or a family movie night with your kids.


By building in preparation and recovery time into your vacation plans, you can genuinely enjoy your time off and avoid creating a bunch of chaos that you need to recover from when you return.  It’s so important to unplug and take time away from the day to day.  You just don’t need to kill yourself in the process!

Air Travel Tips for Autistic Teens

As our Autistic teens move towards adulthood, we need to be constantly thinking about how we get them to a place of independence.

I’m sitting on a plane as I write this, traveling with my family to visit some relatives over Spring Break.  It’s been an interesting trip as we’ve navigated the airport with our son’s future independence in mind.

Here are some tips on things we did to help our teen be as independent as possible as we traveled today:

Tip #1:  Choosing the Right Seat on the Plane

When we booked our trip, we asked our son where he wanted to sit.  Did he want to sit next to us?  Did he want to sit on his own?  He’s a typical teenager in terms of not wanting to hang out with his parents. He chose to sit alone.  So we chose a seat in front of the row we were in.

With this vantage point, I was able to see how he did interacting with the other people in his row, communicating his drink and food order with the flight crew, and if he kept to himself and didn’t bother other people.  He could simply look back if he needed help.  I purposely ignored those looks a few times just to see if he could manage on his own.  And of course he did.

Tip #2: Being Responsible for his own Luggage, ID, and Plane Ticket

We packed the night before.  We sat down and created a basic checklist,

We are going to be gone 6 days so you need 6 shirts, 6 pairs of underwear, … razor, toothbrush,…

I asked my son if he wanted me to check that he had everything he needed.  He told me it was fine so I left it alone.  If he forgets something, he’ll learn something.  And a forgotten toothbrush can easily be purchased on the other side.

At the airport, he had his passport and needed to keep track of his ticket.  We had a connecting flight so there were 2 tickets to keep track of.  It pleased me to watch him holding that ticket as if it were a million dollar lottery ticket.  He was being responsible and he knew he could not lose it.  (He set his passport down when picking up his backpack and would have likely forgotten it.  A gentle queue helped him remember and that was the only almost-miss he had today.)

Tip #3: Coaching on Navigating the Airport

After getting our tickets, we showed our son how to read the flight number and the gate number.  Then we told him we would follow him and that he needed to read the signs in the airport to get us to the gate.

He reached a couple of crossroads where he needed help.  We explained how to read the signs and with just a tiny explanation, he was on his way again.

My son really does NOT like to engage in conversation with me or anyone else.  But he was engaged in these conversations!  I could see he really wanted to learn.  We told him that we were teaching him these things so he could someday take a plane somewhere all by himself.  He wants that very badly so he was motivated.

When boarding the plane, we showed him how to read the row numbers and seat letter and then let him lead the way to find his own seat.  He struggled on the first flight but figured it out on the second one.

When we reached our first destination, we showed him how to look up the flight number and destination city on his ticket and then find it on the electronic board to verify which gate we needed to go to next.  He figured it out and led us to our gate, which happened to be the same one we arrived at.

I’m lucky because when my son is happy, it is communicated through his face and his whole body.  When he’s in charge, he stands taller, smiles brighter.  I could see that in him today.

I worry about him being out there on his own but I know that’s where he needs to be.  Watching him take direction and independently navigate the airport with me following behind gives me confidence.  He’s pushing me.  I’m pushing him.  And the confidence in both of us builds.  I don’t know how long it will take us to get there, but we are definitely taking steps forward.  Forward progress is all you can ask for no matter how fast or slow it is.

Air Travel Tips for Autistic Kids

You’re on a flight, a child is crying 2 rows back.  The child behind you is restless, kicking your chair.  If you’ve ever been the parent handling one of these children, you know how tough it is.  When your child has Autism, it can feel unmanageable.  I have my own nightmare story but before I tell that story, let me share some tips for how I managed this when my Autistic son was younger.

Tip 1: Set Expectations BEFORE you head to the airport

Using social stories, a calendar or a checklist, tell your child all of the things they are going to experience, step by step.  At least with my son, I found when he knew what to expect, he transitioned from moment to moment a lot better.  And this makes sense when you think about this in terms of transitions.  Many of our kids struggle with transitions.  If they know all of the different things they will need to transition between, they will do better.

A sample story or checklist:

At 6am, we are going to get up so we are ready to leave at 7am.  A person you have never met is going to pick us up in a car you’ve never driven in before and that person will take us to the airport.  Next, we’ll go to a place where we will give them our suitcases so they can put them on the plane for us.  Next, we will go through security.  We will need to stand in line and then show them a picture of ourselves and show them our plane tickets.  Next, we’ll need to take off our shoes and our coats and put our backpacks into a machine.  Next we’ll need to stand inside the machine and stay very still while it takes our picture.  After that, we’ll get our backpacks and put our shoes and coats back on.  Before we go to our plane, if we have all been very good in security, we’ll go to Starbucks to get a snack.  When we get on the plane, we’ll need to sit in our seats and put on seatbelts.  When the plane is ready to take off, we will not be able to use our iPads until the pilot tells us it is ok.  After that, we can watch a movie.  When it is time to land, we will need to put the iPad away again.  After we land, we’ll wait in line to get off the plane and then we will got to a place where we can get our suitcases.  After that, we get to see Grandma!

Tip #2: Use a checklist

This is a looooong social story.  By putting this into a checklist format, as you successfully get through each milestone. You can check off each item and then your child can see what is next.  Notice there is a snack, a movie and getting to see Grandma in this list.  There are fun milestones to look forward to.

Here’s a sample of a list from Cozi.  You can show your child this list from your phone and make a game of checking things off the list as you go.


Tip #3: Watch Youtube videos before the trip

For those more complicated items like getting scanned at the security checkpoint, there are youtube videos that are great to show to your child in advance so they can visualize everything they will go through so it’s less terrifying when they get there.


Tip #4: Insert Rewards into Your Journey

Getting a cookie at Starbucks if they behave through security.  Watching a movie on the plane.  A Gummy Bear for every successful checkpoint on the list.  Whatever it takes.  In my son’s early years, we had to focus on each step of the way and celebrate each success.  Over time, we needed less rewards inserted into it and he became a pro.

Tip #5: Stay Calm

Preparation is half the battle.  For the rest, we need to stay calm and execute on our plan.  I’m convinced that our kids pick up on our energy.  If we are anxious, they will be anxious.  And when things go sideways, if we look out of control, that is when other people judge us.  I found that even when my son was in a complete meltdown, if I remained calm and demonstrated to other people that I was doing my best to get the situation under control, I felt more empathy than judgement (or maybe I saw what I wanted to see but whatever works).  This is easier said than done but a good thing to keep in mind when things don’t go according to plan.

What was my horror story?

I didn’t have a plan like the one I described.  My son had flown before and did pretty well.  We would often fly from Seattle, WA to San Jose, CA and it was typically a direct flight.  On this flight, my husband needed to fly out a day in advance so I was solo.  That was the first new variable.  And we had a connecting flight through Portland, OR.

I’m sure I was more anxious than usual.  Having 2 parents working together is always easier than one.  My son was doing great until we got on the second plane.  He just didn’t understand.  He clearly thought we had arrived in San Jose and when we were in a new airport and Nana and Pap Pap weren’t waiting on the other side, things went downhill fast.  As we boarded the second flight, he was crying.  As we sat down and I tried to get him to buckle his seatbelt, he started kicking and screaming.  I had Gummy Bears.  I had toys.  I had books.  Nothing was working.

I finally got the kicking and screaming to stop but he was still crying.  The well intentioned flight crew were trying to help but they were causing more harm than good.  Every time they would come over to offer juice or a cookie or anything, it would upset him again.  Finally, a crew member asked him if he wanted to watch a movie, asking if we had an iPad.

This was a problem.  I couldn’t let us “break this rule” of no electronics before we reach 10,000 feet and then not expect to have a problem on the next flight.  Our kids are smart.  They learn what they can get away with and I couldn’t let my son throw a tantrum and then get his iPad as a reward. At this point, I calmly stood up which forced the crew member to step back.  I quietly and calmly said,

You need to back off.  I’m sorry.  My son has Autism and every time you try to help us, you are making things worse.  Just leave us alone and he will eventually quiet down.

The crew member was NOT pleased at all but she stepped away.  My son calmed down.  The flight took off.  The movie was a hit and we survived the flight.

If I had set my son’s expectations better, we likely would have avoided this.  Lesson learned.  And I hope my story helps another parent down the line.


High School Sports Options for Teens with Autism

Unified sports are not integrated sports, and I consider that to be a good thing.  My son with Autism LOVES playing basketball and this program created an opportunity for him.

In middle school, my son was in a public school that did a pretty good job with integrating the kids with special needs.  They had 3 teams – the A Team, B Team and C Team.  My son was on the C Team.  And the typical kids had volunteered to help out on that team while also playing on the A or B teams.  My son absolutely loved playing on the team.  As a parent, it was a joy to watch him play.  He gained confidence by being on the team and I remember his teachers commenting on how they saw that confidence showing up in the classroom.

When we hit high school, playing on the basketball team was not an option.  I had several people suggest that my son be “a manager” for the team.  I looked into this but it appeared that my son would get to watch the other kids play while he gathered up basketballs for the players.  That seemed like it would be torture for a kid who wanted to play.

Due to many other reasons, we moved our son out of this high school.  He now attends a school targeted for kids on the spectrum but the school is so small they don’t have a basketball team.  Instead, they partnered with a public high school down the street who  partnered with Special Olympics Washington.  THIS would be our son’s opportunity to play basketball again.

The team was NOT part of the typical high school team.  And that was a blessing.  Why?  My son still has speech therapy, ABA therapy and music lessons.  With a typical high school team, practice is usually 5-6 days per week plus games.  While I want my son to have the opportunity to play a sport that he loves and get the social opportunities that go with that, it must be balanced against these other very important activities.  This special team had practice 2 days a week with tournaments every Saturday.  It worked into our schedule very well.

At the end of the season, the public high school did something that I thought was a wonderful approach to integration.  They had one game where the band and the cheerleaders were there.  They had posters all over the school encouraging all of the kids to come out and support the Unified Sports Basketball team.


We attended the game and had many friends and extended family join us.  As I had watched the Saturday games, they were special.  And it was wonderful to see our family members get to experience this.

The team is made up of teens on the Autism spectrum, teens with other disabilities and then kids who are volunteers.  These volunteers are often siblings or teens looking for community service opportunities.  The volunteers help keep the game moving.  It’s obvious the (volunteer) coaches have taught the players the basics of passing the ball and shooting.  The thing that is special about these games is that every time a player is about to shoot a basket, everyone in the stands, from both teams, is rooting for a basket to be made.

The first few games, as I watched, I would really need to fight back the tears.  The volunteers are so caring as they help the teens who need a lot fo support.  Other players are really strong and have a platform to excel. The players were having so much fun.  The look on my son’s face could only be described one way: pure joy.

After the game at the high school, they had a dance.  This dance was mostly attended just by kids on the team and friends and family.  These teens are in a different place socially.  This dance is likely a lot more fun than a dance that is attended by all of the high school students.  Separate, not integrated, but that is really the right thing to do in this case.

After the season was over, my son texted me (which is the primary way he communicates with me) along with a picture of his basketball team:

I felt kind of sad when basketball is over.  I might miss them from basketball. 😦

An opportunity to play a sport he loves.  An opportunity to make friends that he can relate to at his level and on his terms.  Thank you to Special Olympics Washington as well as to this public high school that recognizes that they need to create these opportunities for these teens when full integration just isn’t appropriate.

Is Your Teen with Autism Ready for Public Transit?

Most 16 year olds are either driving a car or taking public transportation.  But for a teen with Autism, that’s not usually the case.  Our teenager clearly wanted the independence of not having mom or dad dropping him off at school.  Over the course of 2 years, we were able to get him riding public transportation on his own.


Breaking it down.

First, we had to recognize that we needed to find something equivalent to driving a car or taking the bus on his own while we worked through our longer term plan.  I could easily drop him off at school on my way to work, but he didn’t want that.  In the Seattle area, we had the option of using the Access Bus Service.  This was a hassle for me in terms of scheduling and coordinating rides but it gave my son his first step toward independent transportation.

During the period of time where he was riding Access to school, we focused his ABA program on several things focused on riding the bus:

  1. Personal Safety – not talking to strangers, where to sit on the bus (near the front), keeping a low profile by wearing headphones and not staring at others, avoiding “self talk” (talking out loud to yourself in public) and how to ask a bus driver for help.
  2. Bus and Navigation Skills – Using a trip planner to plan out a route from one place to another, understanding how to identify which bus to ride, navigating from one bus stop to another if your route has a transfer, and if you are lost, how to call for help and describe where you are.

When our son mastered his Personal Safety and Bus/Navigation programs, we knew he was ready.  In the Seattle area, they have a wonderful program called Transit Instruction.  We signed up our son and he was paired with an instructor who rode transit with him every day, to and from school, until he had mastered the route and demonstrated appropriate behavior on the bus.

The first time our son rode the bus solo, he met his bus instructor but then he got on the bus on his own with a plan to meet the instructor on the other end of the route.  Unknown to our son, there was a secret rider who was working with the instructor so our son could be observed when he thought he was riding alone.  All went smoothly and our son was ready to truly ride solo.

It was difficult for me the first few times I left my son at the bus stop.  Our son appears to be VERY proud of his ability to independently get to and from school.  And this simply contributes to his confidence across all other areas of his life.

If you are a parent wondering if your older child on the spectrum is ready for this, I encourage you to push yourself.  I’ll share in a future post “what happens if something goes wrong”.  We’ve lived through our son getting on the wrong bus and getting lost in downtown Seattle.  He survived.  We survived.  And our confidence in his ability is even greater now as a result.

Prep for Fall Applications in the Summer

If you have kids in middle school and you are looking ahead to high school, both private and public school are options you may be considering. Well, private high school means taking the ISEE.

What is the ISEE?  It’s the Independent School Entrance Exam.  It’s a test that allows a school to assess the academic level of the student who is applying.  If your child is taking this test, it should be all about doing their best.  This gives a target school a better idea of where your child is academically so you can understand whether or not that school is a good fit for your child.

Doing your best on anything involves preparation.  So in order to make sure your child is prepared, you should plan ahead.  Most school applications are due in December and January.  Applications typically have a fee so you’ll want to consider how many schools to apply to and make sure they are schools you know you wanted to attend. This means you need to visit schools and attend open houses.  Those visits usually happen in October and November.  September is a crazy month with back to school.  So, you should plan to get an ISEE test date chosen AND your child needs to be prepared.  Summer is the best time for that preparation in light of all of the activity that will be happening before applications are due.

Since I work at Varsity Tutors, I would obviously recommend them.  Early summer is a great time to arrange to have a tutor assigned.  Before the tutor starts, find a time to talk with the tutor on the phone. Find out if the tutor recommends any ISEE related books.  Many ISEE tutors suggest planning on 2 sessions to focus on just test preparation in general and then 2 sessions each for the 3 different sections of the test.  If you set up a time to meet each week you’ll also have time to do study assignments between each session.

With summer camps, vacations and all the things that summer brings, it is great to get this organized as you head into the summer.  And when Fall hits, you know you’ll be ready to focus on school visits and the typical demands of the 8th grade.  For the test itself, if you have a child on a 504 plan you can get an accommodation for extra time on the test but you need to remember to ask for it.

Even if you ultimately choose public school over private school, test taking strategies are valuable to any teen, especially in high school.  Even as tutors focus on the test specific material, there will be a lot of discussion on test taking strategies in general.

Time well spent!

Challenging Dyslexia: ‘Cause I Want to Decide Between Survival and Bliss

Organizing Dreen

Is it possible to get off an IEP and overcome the challenges that made it necessary? Three years ago, my daughter qualified for an IEP and those special needs are rooted in dyslexia.   After spending 6th, 7th and 8th grade at a school focused on teaching children with dyslexia, she no longer qualifies for an IEP.  She went from being 2 grade levels behind to now reading at an 11th grade level and being all set to enter Algebra 1 for her Freshman year of high school in the Fall.  I’m reposting this blog from when we qualified for the IEP.  And looking forward to future posts where I can share what we’ve learned since then to better support our daughter who is now thriving in school again.

Posted originally on June 19, 2015…’Cause I Want to Decide Between Survival and Bliss.

Great lyrics from a great song* that has…

View original post 771 more words

Math Tutoring to Support an IEP

Do you ever feel like your kids that are on IEPs aren’t getting enough attention or instruction in the classroom?  Even if you’ve had relatively positive experiences in elementary school or middle school, you may hit a point where things get pretty tough.

Math is often a subject where Autistic kids do well and may be closer to approaching grade level.  I know a family where this was the case for them and their Autistic 9th grade son.  But then they started seeing notifications from the online math program, IXL, coming home,

Bravo! You have achieved excellence in 40 third-grade skills on IXL!

Third grade?  Their 9th grader should at least be working on 7th grade level math.  They talked to their son so he would choose the 7th grade level.  With communication and comprehension challenges, trying to work directly with him was going nowhere.

They talked to their son’s math teacher.  The school was using IXL during classroom time.  They were having their son use it after school each day even though the teacher didn’t assign homework so he could get more math practice in.  They were making sure the grade level was correct at home.  They didn’t get much help from the teacher at school.  Things would be corrected when they called attention to it but it would quickly fall back to lower grade level certificates coming in.

There are not many options for private high schools for kids on the Autism spectrum.  And even if there were, the cost is prohibitive. This family decided to give 1 on 1 tutoring a try.  If they couldn’t get help from the school, they could at least turn math time at home into high quality time to try and keep progress in this area going.

They looked for tutors in their local area that had experience with kids with special needs.  Locally, there was nothing available.  They contacted Varsity Tutors and found one tutor near them who didn’t have this experience but was at least willing to try.

If they were open to tutoring online, there was a tutor who was also a special education middle school math teacher.  Perfect.  She happened to live in Hawaii.  (They live in Sacramento, CA.) They wanted a session after dinner one night a week.  This was after school for the tutor based on her time zone.  Also perfect.

They decided to try out both online and in person so they wouldn’t waste time seeing which one worked better.  They weren’t sure if online would work for their son.  Would he get distracted?  Could he understand and comprehend across a computer screen?


For the in person sessions, the mother sat at the top of the stairs that lead down into their basement family room so she could listen in on how the session was going.  She knew if she was in the same room she would distract her son.  It was hard to hear the conversation.  When she could, she didn’t know the context of the problem they were working on.  It was hard to assess if this was time well spent or not.  And she knew she wouldn’t get any details from her son, or his teacher, later.

For the online sessions, she had the option of actually watching the session without her son recognizing that she was in the session.  The tutor knew but she told her ahead of time that she was going to watch just to see if her son was giving the tutor any problems and she would not speak or let her son know she was watching.  She could see the problems they were working on via the online whiteboard.  She could see both of them.  She could see that her son was paying attention.  She could see where her son was having a hard time understanding the tutor’s questions.

After the in person session, she met with the tutor before she left, out of earshot from her son, and asked the tutor if there was anything that she was struggling with in terms of working with her son.  No feedback.  “It was fine.”  Based on what little the mom could hear, it didn’t sound that smooth but she didn’t want to push.

After the online session, the mother also met with the tutor after her son logged off the system.  She was able to talk with her face to face just like the in person tutor.  She called out that she noticed where her son wasn’t answering her questions and gave her a suggestion on how she can form her questions to get her son to answer.  She also encouraged her to just wait and let there be silence until he answered.

The following week, they had their next set of session.  She listened from the top of the stairs, still unable to really understand how it was going.  She watched the online session.  It was going much more smoothly.  This time, she just logged off so she could clean up things from dinner because it was going so well.

Over time, this family stopped the in person tutoring.  The online tutor was just connecting with their son more effectively.  (Or maybe the mom felt that way because she simply had so much more visibility into the sessions since she could spot check via sessions recordings.) She also appreciated just logging in right at 7pm, not needing to have her house presentable and not needing to put the barking dog away when the in person tutor arrived.

Not having a lot of options pushed this family to give 1 on 1 tutoring, and online tutoring, a try.  If you’re a parent with a child on the spectrum, this may be an option if you want to supplement what is going on, or NOT going on, in the classroom at school.

Friday Night Lights

Friday nights these days are all about high school football games and time spent together as a family.  Is this what other families do?  Or, do they just make sure their high schoolers get a ride to the game?  I ask because my high schooler has Autism and we need to define what “normal” is for our family.

I’m not sure that my son cares about attending these events.  But we are going anyway.  Why?  This is an opportunity for integration.  It’s just not happening during regular school hours.  It’s a chance for him to observe his peers and be part of the high school dynamic.  And it’s a chance for all of his fellow students to see him being part of their community.  Besides, he appears to be having fun while we’re there.

It’s also been a chance for me to connect with this community.  I happen to have a co-worker who has a son on the team.  I’ve been amazed at how important this one connection has been.  At our first game, he introduced me to a parent who also has a child with special needs at the school who has offered to answer any questions I may have and help me navigate the world of special education at this high school if I need it.

My friend and co-worker also introduced my son to a bunch of students who are very involved in student government and peer mentoring.  One of the kids we met happened to already be a peer mentor in one of my son’s classes. This may not turn into anything, but it could turn into something.  A familiar face in the hallway would be nice.  A friendly person saying hello to my son at school might make his day.  Maybe someone will even sit with him during lunch.  None of this may happen but at least we’re trying to create an environment where it could happen.

After all, that’s all we can do.

For those of you who have kids on the spectrum, this is part of our social skills plan this year.  In middle school, our son participated in sports.  With the transition to high school, now we’re dealing with cut sports and a kid who doesn’t want to do Cross Country.  So attending the football games needed to be part of our plan.  We’ve got all of the games in the calendar.  Dad is taking our son on his weekends.  I’m taking him on mine.  We may have one of our ABA therapist take him once so our son has a chance to be there without his parents.  This year, we’ll attend.  Next year, who knows?  Maybe he’ll want to sit in the student section.  Fingers crossed.