You’re on a flight, a child is crying 2 rows back. The child behind you is restless, kicking your chair. If you’ve ever been the parent handling one of these children, you know how tough it is. When your child has Autism, it can feel unmanageable. I have my own nightmare story but before I tell that story, let me share some tips for how I managed this when my Autistic son was younger.
Tip 1: Set Expectations BEFORE you head to the airport
Using social stories, a calendar or a checklist, tell your child all of the things they are going to experience, step by step. At least with my son, I found when he knew what to expect, he transitioned from moment to moment a lot better. And this makes sense when you think about this in terms of transitions. Many of our kids struggle with transitions. If they know all of the different things they will need to transition between, they will do better.
A sample story or checklist:
At 6am, we are going to get up so we are ready to leave at 7am. A person you have never met is going to pick us up in a car you’ve never driven in before and that person will take us to the airport. Next, we’ll go to a place where we will give them our suitcases so they can put them on the plane for us. Next, we will go through security. We will need to stand in line and then show them a picture of ourselves and show them our plane tickets. Next, we’ll need to take off our shoes and our coats and put our backpacks into a machine. Next we’ll need to stand inside the machine and stay very still while it takes our picture. After that, we’ll get our backpacks and put our shoes and coats back on. Before we go to our plane, if we have all been very good in security, we’ll go to Starbucks to get a snack. When we get on the plane, we’ll need to sit in our seats and put on seatbelts. When the plane is ready to take off, we will not be able to use our iPads until the pilot tells us it is ok. After that, we can watch a movie. When it is time to land, we will need to put the iPad away again. After we land, we’ll wait in line to get off the plane and then we will got to a place where we can get our suitcases. After that, we get to see Grandma!
Tip #2: Use a checklist
This is a looooong social story. By putting this into a checklist format, as you successfully get through each milestone. You can check off each item and then your child can see what is next. Notice there is a snack, a movie and getting to see Grandma in this list. There are fun milestones to look forward to.
Here’s a sample of a list from Cozi. You can show your child this list from your phone and make a game of checking things off the list as you go.
Tip #3: Watch Youtube videos before the trip
For those more complicated items like getting scanned at the security checkpoint, there are youtube videos that are great to show to your child in advance so they can visualize everything they will go through so it’s less terrifying when they get there.
Tip #4: Insert Rewards into Your Journey
Getting a cookie at Starbucks if they behave through security. Watching a movie on the plane. A Gummy Bear for every successful checkpoint on the list. Whatever it takes. In my son’s early years, we had to focus on each step of the way and celebrate each success. Over time, we needed less rewards inserted into it and he became a pro.
Tip #5: Stay Calm
Preparation is half the battle. For the rest, we need to stay calm and execute on our plan. I’m convinced that our kids pick up on our energy. If we are anxious, they will be anxious. And when things go sideways, if we look out of control, that is when other people judge us. I found that even when my son was in a complete meltdown, if I remained calm and demonstrated to other people that I was doing my best to get the situation under control, I felt more empathy than judgement (or maybe I saw what I wanted to see but whatever works). This is easier said than done but a good thing to keep in mind when things don’t go according to plan.
What was my horror story?
I didn’t have a plan like the one I described. My son had flown before and did pretty well. We would often fly from Seattle, WA to San Jose, CA and it was typically a direct flight. On this flight, my husband needed to fly out a day in advance so I was solo. That was the first new variable. And we had a connecting flight through Portland, OR.
I’m sure I was more anxious than usual. Having 2 parents working together is always easier than one. My son was doing great until we got on the second plane. He just didn’t understand. He clearly thought we had arrived in San Jose and when we were in a new airport and Nana and Pap Pap weren’t waiting on the other side, things went downhill fast. As we boarded the second flight, he was crying. As we sat down and I tried to get him to buckle his seatbelt, he started kicking and screaming. I had Gummy Bears. I had toys. I had books. Nothing was working.
I finally got the kicking and screaming to stop but he was still crying. The well intentioned flight crew were trying to help but they were causing more harm than good. Every time they would come over to offer juice or a cookie or anything, it would upset him again. Finally, a crew member asked him if he wanted to watch a movie, asking if we had an iPad.
This was a problem. I couldn’t let us “break this rule” of no electronics before we reach 10,000 feet and then not expect to have a problem on the next flight. Our kids are smart. They learn what they can get away with and I couldn’t let my son throw a tantrum and then get his iPad as a reward. At this point, I calmly stood up which forced the crew member to step back. I quietly and calmly said,
You need to back off. I’m sorry. My son has Autism and every time you try to help us, you are making things worse. Just leave us alone and he will eventually quiet down.
The crew member was NOT pleased at all but she stepped away. My son calmed down. The flight took off. The movie was a hit and we survived the flight.
If I had set my son’s expectations better, we likely would have avoided this. Lesson learned. And I hope my story helps another parent down the line.