Tag: family calendar

The Most Important 20 Minutes of the Day

My son had a basketball game today for his middle school team.  He’s on the C team (which comes after the B team which comes after  the A team) so we’re not talking a glamorous, high profile game.  But when I walked into the door, saw his face light up and then proceeded to witness his game and his constant looking over at me, I knew the 20 minutes of play time he got today were the most important 20 minutes of my day.

For working parents, being able to attend these events is hard.  Looking around today, there weren’t that many parents at the game. I’m sure every parent who was NOT in attendance had very good reasons and it had ZERO reflection on how much they love their child.

My son has Autism so communication, verbal communication, is really hard.  He doesn’t like to have conversations.  He’s not capable of sharing his feelings verbally.  When I try to tell him how I feel about him, he doesn’t want to have that conversation either.  As I’m connecting with more and more parents of typical kids, I’ve learned that my teen with Autism isn’t so different than a typical teenage boy.  My ACTIONS need to be the way I tell him how much I care about him.  Today, I was able to tell him I love him by attending his game.  And he was able to tell me that he’s glad I’m his mom.

But making this 20 minutes happen took a lot of planning and preparation.  I’m hoping that sharing how I accomplished this helps another parent get the same 20 minutes I got today.

Block Your Calendar

When I got the basketball schedule, I added the games to my work calendar along with travel time.  This way, when others are trying to schedule time with me, they know that I’m busy during this time so they can find a better time that works for both of us.

Set Expectations

I’ve let my manager and my team know that attending these games is important to me.  I try to structure my work so it’s about what I’m delivering each week rather than how much time I spend at the office.  This helps.  I set goals based on a full workload for the week and then juggle the time as necessary to meet all of my commitments for both work and home.

Carve Out Time

Even when you block your calendar and set expectations, it’s still hard to find the time to do it all.  Sometimes I get up early so I can start on my work day earlier.  Commute time takes up at least 45 minutes each way.  Today, I worked from home and got 90 minutes back.  I got my full workday in AND made it to the game.  I also reduced travel time by staying closer to home for the day.

It Goes Both Ways

Often, spending time at a school event in the afternoon means I need to focus on work in the evening–and miss that time with my family.  I try to use this to teach my kids about trade offs and balance.  I want them to be hard workers when they have jobs.  I want them to see that when I leave work early, that time needs to be made up somewhere.  It’s a good lesson to teach them.

Let’s face it, we’re all very busy.  It’s easy for the pressures of work, meetings, deadlines and commuting to cause us to miss opportunities to really connect with our kids.  But with a little planning and preparation, we’ve got a better chance of catching some of the precious moments before we lose track of where all our time went and our kids grow up faster than we could have ever imagined.

Easy, Breezy, Summer Morning Routines

It’s the first official week of summer camp.  Getting the new morning routine established each year is a bit tough but within a few weeks things usually begin to smooth out.  We need to leave earlier.  There’s so much to remember.  If it’s a field trip day that involves swimming, we need the swim suits.  Packing a lunch is just like the school year but without the safety net of just buying lunch if the morning completely goes sideways on us.  And there’s more traffic to battle because we’re not just meeting the school bus.

Believe it or not, what I’m about to share is a true story.

This morning, as I opened the refrigerator to grab some milk, there it was – a perfectly packed lunch.  Where did this come from?  I peaked inside: sandwich, apple, granola bar, cheese stick, juice box, a full lunch.  My 9 year old daughter is NOT a morning person.  Yesterday, as she was grumpily making her lunch, I casually suggested that she make her lunch the night before since she’s such a sleepy head in the morning.  But I figured it would take a couple of weeks and a lot more suggesting to get her there.  But she did it.  And I didn’t even SEE her do it the night before.

While I was still recovering from my shock and dismay, my 13 year old son came in, backpack in hand, heading for the front door to set the backpack by the door.

“What is your field trip today?”

“Swimming.”  I think one word answers are pretty typical for a 13 year old boy, especially one with Autism.

“Do you have everything you need to go swimming?”

“Yes”, as he walked passed me, no eye contact, and headed back into his room.

I couldn’t help myself.  I had to peak inside the backpack to see if he really had everything.  Towel, swim trunks, even a swim shirt, and a packed lunch.  He listened.  He took responsibility.  He was ready.

As working parents, heck, as ANY parent, having the kids take responsibility like this makes getting out the door in the morning SOOOO much smoother!  We’ve been working on this for  while throughout the school year but I was so pleased so see them handing the additional responsibilities that summer camp brings.  Here are my suggestions for how to help the kids chip in to have an easier time getting out the door in the morning.

Set Expectations

The week school ended, one night over dinner I explained to the kids that they’d be going to the same summer camps as last summer but this year, I wanted them to take responsibility for bringing what they needed for their field trip days.  If they forget to bring a swim suit on the hottest day of the summer, they will be sitting it out.  It’s up to them to remember.

Use A Calendar 

My son has an iPhone and we have a family calendar that I share with him.  We get the schedule (from Outdoors For All) in advance via email.  When the calendar for the week arrives, I create an all day appointment for each day of the week.

SUBJECT: OFA: Swimming  [The OFA stands for Outdoors For All and my son understands this.]

LOCATION: Bring swim suit, towel, sunscreen, lunch

He looks at the calendar, knows what he’s doing that day and knows what to bring.  My daughter picks up a flyer on the Monday of each week at camp.   She is then in charge of that information to be prepared for her Wednesday and Friday field trips.

Stock the Fridge and Pantry with Lunch Stuff 

We’ve got a shelf in our refrigerator designated for lunch stuff: Juice boxes, fruit cups, cheese sticks.  it’s just above the fruit drawer that has apples, oranges, grapes, etc.  It’s right at eye level for the kids.  And as I see it get emptied, I know what I need to shop for.  We also have a shelf in the cupboard set up the same way, at kid eye level, filled with granola bars, bread for sandwiches, chips, fruit roll ups, etc.  The kids have 2 places to look for lunch ideas and lots of variety.

Help Your Smart Phone Be Smart

I know approximately what time we need to leave to drop off my daughter on time, then drop off my son on time, and then get myself to work on time.  This year, I added an appointment to my calendar, “Drop off E”, set for 8am WITH the address of where the camp is.  As I’m about to leave, Cortana on my Windows Phone (or Google Now on an Android Phone) pops up telling me I need to leave so I get there on time.  This is the first year I’m trying this.  I’m hoping that if traffic is bad one morning, Cortana will let me know that I need to leave earlier than usual in order to get there on time.

How To Set Up A Calendar for a Busy Family

If you’ve got kids who are involved in after school activities, this blog post is for you.  If you’re a Stay-At-Home-Parent, you’re trying to coordinate everything and make sure the kids are where they need to be.  And you want them getting picked up and dropped off on time.  If you’re a working parent, you’re trying to coordinate all of this with your child care provider.

Our family had a busy week this week.  It was the first week of track practice for my 13 year old son in the 7th grade AND it was the first week of rehearsals for the school play for my 9 year old daughter in the 4th grade.  I faced the week with great trepidation.  Looking at my calendar, I think you’ll see why:

FirstWeekTrackPlay

To try and tame the chaos, I color coded my son’s activities in red and my daughter’s in blue.  I told my sitter, “Let’s just plan to text each other a lot to get through this first week on this crazy schedule.”  On Wednesday, I had the pick up time for Play Rehearsals wrong.  And my sitter was having a really hard time understanding all of this when looking at it on her iPhone.

My son has Autism, so it’s particularly important that he understands the schedule using the visuals of a calendar.  When I got this text message from him on Wednesday night while he was with his Dad, I knew I needed to do something to make this calendar easier to understand:

AidenCalendarMsg

Looking at the calendar, I had everything crammed into ONE calendar.  I had more details than were really needed.  Too many things were overlapping each other.  I needed to simplify the calendar.  My babysitter needed to understand when to pick the kids up and where.  My son needed to understand his own schedule, know when he was getting picked up, and not have his sister’s activities cluttering up what he was looking at.  He needed to see what HE cares about.

What to do?

I created a separate calendar for my son.  It’s under his Outlook.com account, but I set things up so that I can edit it directly while using my own account.  I also set up an account for my daughter while I was at it.  Next, I got rid of the overlap by moving my son’s track stuff into his calendar, my daughter stuff into her calendar, and then focused the family calendar on pick ups and drop offs.  The new version is much better:

FirstWeekTrackPlayRevised

Notice the tabs across the top.  Each tab represents a different calendar in a different color.  You can show multiple calendars at once.  And when you turn off my daughter’s calendar, it was a much clearer picture for my son.  We sat down and reviewed the schedule again.  Here’s what he is seeing on his iPhone now:

AidenTrackPhone

And here’s what the babysitter was looking at (on a Windows Phone), because my son’s calendar is NOT in view:

TrackPhoneView2

I’m hoping that the schedule will be more clear.  Everyone will be happier.  And I won’t be distracted with lots of text message from a frustrated babysitter who can’t figure out where I need her to be because I haven’t set her up for success.  Yes, we’re using multiple calendars and sharing them.  It may sound complicated at first but once it’s set up, you’ll wonder how you ever functioned any other way.

For those of you interested in some of the nitty-gritty details, keep reading.  For the rest of you, happy scheduling!

Some details for me to explain:

What is “Juanita House”?  We are in a split family.  Since the kids have 2 homes, “home” isn’t clear.  I call my house “The Juanita House” so they know where they need to be.  I don’t want to call it “Mom’s House” or “Mom and Jeff’s House” because it is “Our House”.  Dad didn’t name his house (because he’s functioning like a normal person 😉 ) so we just call his house “Dad’s House”.

Who are all of these people?  Dad is Dad.  Jeff is my husband.  Marie is the afternoon babysitter.  Lauren is my son’s ABA therapist (Autism services aide).  When I set up appointments with Lauren, I actually email those to her so they are on her calendar.  Dad also has the appointments for “which house” on his calendar as well as anything that is on the days when the kids are with him at the end of the day.  There’s a lot going on here but this way, everyone has what they need on THEIR calendar.

Please send me your follow up questions!  I’d be happy to do a dedicated blog post to deep dive on any questions you have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Business Travel Easier in a Split Family?

I don’t travel much for my job at Microsoft but as I’m heading to Minneapolis to attend this year’s Grace Hopper Celebration Conference, I’m feeling grateful for one of the few benefits of having a split family: the flexibility to travel worry free.

I share custody with my kids’ dad.  While I’m at the conference, focused on learning, networking and recharging my batteries, I won’t be worried about my kids because they are in great hands.  And they are literally at home.  Since their dad handles things just fine on his own all the time, the routine isn’t even that out of the ordinary.

My son has Autism so changing the routine can be especially difficult for him.  We plan these trips well in advance, put the information on the family calendar as well as our shared Outlook calendar that my son can see on his phone.  When he knows what’s coming, he can anticipate the change in the routine and handle it quite well.  As he headed to his Dad’s after school yesterday with our babysitter, OFF our normal Monday schedule, he sent me a text message, “Have a good time on your vacation.”  🙂  He knows the routine is different.  He knows why.  And he’s just fine.

It’s not always easy for spilt families to get along.  And things aren’t always coming up roses for us either.  But one thing we’ve never argued about is knowing that we need to do what is best for our kids.  Part of this is a fundamental understanding that supporting one another in our careers is one big way that we can do what is best for our kids.

Two weeks ago, my ex-husband had a business trip AND needed to be in a wedding in another state.  We give each other advance notice.  We adjust the schedule.  The kids stay stable in their home and school routines and we are able to do the things we need to do for work and even our personal lives.  It works.  Sure, I could get help from other family members in a pinch but since being with their dad is also being at home for my kids, it’s the best option for them, which makes it the best option for me.

How do we keep track of all of these exceptions in the schedule?  Outlook Calendar.  I keep a calendar that I share with the kids AND our babysitter.  I share appointments with my ex that show what day the kids are with him, what day they are with me, and any other appointments related to the kids.  He can see all of these appointments in his work calendar, his single calendar.  We’re always looking at the same calendar and it helps keep things straight.

As I travel this week, it will cause OTHER exceptions to the weekly routine.  My husband is traveling with me (ANOTHER bonus!) so he won’t be going to guitar lessons with my son this week.  We’ve updated that appointment in the calendar to say “No Guitar Lesson / Jeff is out of town”.  This will serve as a reminder to the babysitter and will also remind my son of the change, making it easier for him to handle it that day.

 

So if things aren’t this smooth in your world, I highly recommend making changes so you can find this same level of flexibility and coordination with your ex.  It will help get both parents focused on a common goal:  stability and predictability for the kids AND it will let you both focus on your careers or whatever personal goals you’re working on.  Happy parents = happy kids.  Isn’t that what we’re all working for anyway?

Using Outlook to Keep a Split Family Working Together

It’s hard enough for a typical family to keep track of everything between school holidays, career deadlines, soccer games and business trips.  How does a split family do it?

I’m divorced and I’ve found that sharing a calendar is the key to successful communication and coordination.  To be blunt, I really don’t like needing to talk to my ex. 🙂  Before we got our calendar together, I felt like I was talking to him more than when we lived together.  Sharing a calendar has solved that.

We split custody 50/50.  We both want to be involved.  I’m already keeping a calendar so why no share it with him?  I put all of the dates in the calendar like:

  • Kids at Dad’s
  • Kids at Mom’s
  • School Holidays
  • Parent Teacher Conferences
  • Track Meets
  • Stuff Like That

I’ve set up this calendar in Outlook.com.  I use Outlook to see both my work calendar (with Office365) AND this Outlook.com calendar which I’ve named “Family Calendar”.  For the events I listed above, I “invite” my ex and those events are sent to his work calendar.  He only keeps one calendar, that work calendar, so this was the best way to get this stuff in there.  When we first got organized, the number of “invitations” was a lot.  But now that it’s set up, it’s easy.

Both of us are pretty busy with work so we try to be very flexible with each other in terms of scheduling.  By using Outlook, we can run changes by each other over the phone or even via text message and then I make the updates in Outlook.  When an update is made, the updated appointment is sent to him.  It may feel formal, but it’s a great way to confirm the conversation we had and make sure things are straight – BEFORE we hit a conflict or have a miscommunication.

I also share this calendar with my husband and babysitter.  We just use basic calendar sharing.  My husband accesses the calendar when he’s trying to plan things and wants to see if we have the kids or not.  My babysitter uses this calendar to manage each day.  I add additional items that I don’t invite my ex to like Guitar Lesson, Piano Lesson, Reading Tutors and things like that so the babysitter has that schedule.  But I don’t add my ex to those items so they won’t fill up his calendar over the top of his busy afternoons at work.

Each Sunday night, I email this calendar to my ex (along with my son’s Autism specialists who work with him in my home).  It serves as a reminder for all of us to look at the week ahead and update anything that was forgotten.  This is especially handy in terms of support work schedules.  As conferences and business trips come up, they can be managed ahead of time.

Even though we’re divorced, we both need to support each other in our careers – as we do this, we’re helping each other do the best we can for our kids.  And by having all of the kids school commitments in one place, we can also coordinate so that we can BOTH attend or make sure at least one of us is attending.  Again, it’s the right thing to do for the kids.

So if you’re pulling your hair out trying to coordinate your custody schedule with your ex, AND stay on the same page with your shared babysitter, give this a try.  You’ll be amazed by the amount of harmony it will bring.

Use the Calendar to Start New Routines

With a new school year starting, I had 2 things I wanted to somehow fit into the day for both me and my son:  Getting consistent exercise by walking the dog AND just getting some quality time with my son.  Because he has Autism, he doesn’t really talk much.  He mostly sends me text messages when he really needs to communicate something.  Over the summer, he was at an outdoor camp with OutdoorsForAll, getting tons of exercise AND because I needed to take him each morning, we had time in the car to spend together.  Though we don’t really talk during that time, somehow a connection is built and I’ve seen that slip away over the course of a school year when we don’t have time like this to spend with each other each day.

So we set up a new routine to address both time together AND exercise.  We’re on our second week and it all started by putting this in his Outlook calendar.  We agreed to walk the dogs every morning from 6:45 to 7:15am.  Because it’s in his calendar, he gets up and is ready to go by then.  He’s just wired this way and I’m convinced this will be the key to him being independent and holding a job as an adult.  While it’s hard to get up a little earlier each morning, I’m loving the time we get to spend together each day.  And it’s a great habit to teach him for his life now and well into his future.